The Mandatory Competence Act
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PROPOSAL FOR THE PARLIAMENTARY MANDATORY COMPETENCE AND OPERATIONAL LICENSING ACT (2026)
PROPOSAL FOR THE PARLIAMENTARY MANDATORY COMPETENCE AND OPERATIONAL LICENSING ACT (2026)
TO: The Speaker of the House of Commons & The Cabinet Office
FROM: Sir Randybottom Clutterworth KC
DATE: 28th August 2026
SUBJECT: Introduction of Mandatory Professional Competency Standards for Members of the Executive
Preamble
It is currently unlawful in the United Kingdom to wire a plug, cut a hedge, or drive a Ford Fiesta without demonstrating basic physical competence and possessing a valid licence.
Conversely, to take total charge of the nation’s £2.6 trillion economy, the nuclear deterrent, or the national grid, one requires nothing more than a rosette, a vague acquaintance with the Prime Minister, and a degree in Philosophy, Politics, and Economics from an institution that does not teach how to change a tyre or identify a turnip.
This disparity can no longer be tolerated. If a plumber requires a City & Guilds qualification before touching a stopcock, a Secretary of State must prove equal competence before touching the nation’s infrastructure.
Proposed Statutory Regulations
1. The “Basic Mechanics of Reality” Examination (BMRE)
Prior to kissing hands with His Majesty the King, every proposed Cabinet Minister must pass a 45-minute practical assessment. Failure to achieve an 80% mark results in immediate reassignment to the Backbenches.
- The Chancellor of the Exchequer: Must correctly calculate the change from a £10 note after purchasing a loaf of bread, a pint of milk, and a pack of Jaffa Cakes, without appointing a taskforce or holding a consultation.
- The Secretary of State for Energy: Must successfully bleed a radiator using a small brass key and explain the price cap using only single-syllable words.
- The Minister for Housing & Communities: Must fill one (1) pothole on the A21 using standard asphalt. Time limit: 20 minutes.
2. Mandatory Prohibition of Corporate Buzzwords
Any Minister using the terms “synergistic,” “deliverables,” “world-leading,” or “moving the dial” during an official briefing shall be fined £50 per instance. The proceeds will fund free water fountains past airport security.
3. The Public Q&A Metric (The “Reddit Anti-Evasion Clause”)
If a Secretary of State agrees to answer public inquiries, they must answer a minimum of 75% of questions asked. Answering less than 10% shall be classified as a breach of duty, punishable by three days of mandatory clerical work in a rural GP surgery waiting room.
4. Visual Identity Restrictions
No Ministry shall spend more than £12.50 on a logo, typeface, or digital badge. All national branding must henceforth be drawn by hand on the back of an envelope.
Enforcement and Oversight
The newly established Independent Board of Executive Competence (IBEC) will oversee all licensing.
The Board shall consist of:
- Mrs. Henderson of Whitfield (representing real-world patience and broken boilers).
- A certified electrician from Basingstoke.
- Brigadier Gerard (Thoroughbred Gelding), who will sit in on all Ministerial licensing hearings.
Testing Protocol: If a Minister presents a policy, the Brigadier will be permitted to review the documentation. One stamp of his off-fore hoof indicates Approved. Two stamps indicate Incompetent. A direct snort into the candidate’s mug of tea revokes their licence with immediate effect.
Signed,
Sir Randybottom Clutterworth KC
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