The Lion & Letterbox Records presents · LLR-001

Total Eclipse of the Toast

Build UK featuring Sir Randybottom Clutterworth KC

Seven songs about hotel toast, the setting on the dial, and the standard of English. Recorded live-to-crumb at Caravan Studios, Kent. Producer: Gemini, unpaid, unbothered. Executive producer: The Brigadier, one stamp per track.

Lyric booklet (PDF, 160 KB)

Parody, and a comedy record. The tunes nod to songs you know; the words are ours. The hotels, loaves and spreads named in the lyrics are where the toast happened, nothing more. Nobody at any of them was consulted, and the Brigadier reviewed only the crumbs.

Tracklisting

Press play on a track, or Lyrics to read along — with JavaScript on, the words follow the recording. Every track can be downloaded as an MP3 or as the lyric video (MP4).

A2 Warm to the Core 2:35

1970s soul · slow jam · hotel-room confession · after Three Times a Lady

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The captions in the video are the lyrics as sung. Art on the sleeve by Grok.
1. You're once twice three times a slice
2. And you're warm to the core
3. You're golden brown
4. The best toast in town
5. And I want butter more
6. Yes I want butter more
7. I woke up at seven my stomach was bare
8. I walked to the sideboard and what saw I there
9. A standard white loaf double-wrapped in the bag
10. No fancy sourdough no posh artisan tag
11. I popped in two slices and pushed down the lever
12. A romance was born that would last on forever
13. 'Cause you're once twice three times a slice
14. And you're warm to the core
15. You're golden brown
16. The best toast in town
17. And I want butter more
18. Travelodge dear oh what have you done
19. You bought the cheap bread but the setting was one
20. I cranked up the dial to a dangerous four
21. Now you're hard and you're crisp dropping crumbs on the floor
22. I scrape off the black parts with a butter-knife blade
23. The finest breakfast that Premier Inn ever made
24. 'Cause you're once twice three times a slice
25. And you're warm to the core
26. You're golden brown
27. The best toast in town
28. And I want butter more
29. Smeared in marmalade
30. A little bit of cheap flora spread
31. Oh lovely toast
32. Don't drop butter-side down on the Travelodge carpet
33. Ooh yeah
B1 Golden Brown Forever 3:02

Gated reverb · stadium · fire alarm — a total eclipse of the toast · after Total Eclipse of the Heart

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The captions in the video are the lyrics as sung. Art on the sleeve by Grok.
1. Every now and then I fall apart
2. Every now and then I get a little bit nervous
3. Every now and then I get a little bit crispy
4. Every now and then I get a little bit darker
5. And I need bread tonight
6. And I need it more than ever
7. And if you just set it right
8. It'll be golden brown forever
9. And there's nothing I can do
10. A TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE TOAST
11. A TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE TOAST
12. When the lever pops but the bread's still raw
13. That the setting's stuck on four
14. And I know it's time to scrape
15. And there's nothing left to save
16. And I need bread tonight
17. And I need it more than ever
18. And if you just set it right
19. It'll be golden brown forever
20. And there's nothing I can do
21. A TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE TOAST
22. A TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE TOAST
23. And I need bread tonight
24. And I need it more than ever
25. And if you just set it right
26. It'll be golden brown forever
27. And there's nothing I can do
28. A TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE TOAST
29. A TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE TOAST
30. Every now and then I'm butter side up
31. Every now and then I'm butter side down on the Travelodge carpet
32. A TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE TOAST
33. A TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE TOAST
B1½ Golden Brown Shade 2:35

Power ballad · setting two, then three, then four · after I Want to Know What Love Is

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The captions in the video are the lyrics as sung. Art on the sleeve by Grok.
1. I gotta take a little time,
2. A little time to look around the room…
3. I read the breakfast menu twice,
4. To see what's cooking in this hotel room.
5. This loaf inside has grown so cold,
6. It's gotta be transformed today.
7. In my life, there's been heart-burn and pain,
8. I don't know if I can take plain bread again…
9. I wanna know what toast is!
10. I want you to show me!
11. I wanna feel what toast is!
12. I know you can brown me!
13. I gotta take a little butter,
14. A little Lurpak on my knife…
15. Gotta spread it edge-to-edge,
16. To bring this dry white slice to life.
17. Talk about bread!
18. It's soft and it's pale…
19. It's stuck on setting two, but it won't fail!
20. In my hands, it's golden and warm,
21. The ultimate hotel breakfast form…
22. I wanna know what toast is!
23. I want you to show me!
24. I wanna taste what toast is!
25. I know the setting's three!
26. (Let's talk about toast!)
27. I wanna know what toast is! (I wanna feel the crunch, yeah!)
28. I want you to show me! (And I want butter to spill…)
29. I wanna taste what toast is!
30. And I know, I know you can brown me!
31. (Change the dial… dial 4…)
32. I wanna know, I wanna know, I wanna know…
33. (Is that marmalade?)
34. Oh, I wanna know what toast is…
35. (Don't burn it, don't trigger the fire alarm…)
36. Show me… show me the golden-brown shade, yeah…
B2 The Oldest Culture War 2:41

We didn't start the toaster — Clutterworth-approved year, 1989 · after We Didn't Start the Fire

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The captions in the video are the lyrics as sung. Art on the sleeve by GPT.
1. Hovis, Warburtons, Kingsmill white
2. Burnt the crumpet Saturday night
3. Lurpak, Flora, Anchor spread
4. Marmalade on wholemeal bread
5. Kenco coffee, PG Tips
6. Smoke alarm and dressing gowns
7. Premier Inn and Travelodge
8. Setting four — the lever's dodged
9. We didn't start the toaster!
10. It was always burning since the world's been turning!
11. We didn't set the dial!
12. It was always burning since the dawn of man!
13. Breville, Dualit, Russell Hobbs
14. Crumb tray full, the lever bobs
15. Sourdough with a narrative
16. Artisan at five pounds fifty
17. Farmhouse thick, medium sliced
18. Butter cold — it won't spread nice
19. Marmite, yes or Marmite, no
20. The oldest culture war we know
21. We didn't start the toaster!
22. It was always burning since the world's been turning!
23. We didn't set the dial!
24. It was always burning since the dawn of man!
25. Continental breakfast, croissant on the side
26. Buffet eggs are rubber, sausage has no pride
27. Beans are lukewarm, hash brown's cold
28. Scrambled eggs three hours old
29. Juice machine is broken — AGAIN
30. Orange from concentrate, watered down to ten
31. Coffee pod is empty, kettle doesn't work
32. Waitress hasn't seen us, manager's gone berserk
33. We didn't start the toaster!
34. It was always burning since the world's been turning!
35. We didn't set the dial!
36. IT'S BEEN BURNING TOAST SINCE THE DAWN OF MAN!
37. The fire alarm went off at seven fifteen
38. We stood in the car park for forty minutes
39. In dressing gowns. In the rain. In Swindon
40. The toast was not golden brown
41. It was charcoal
42. The Brigadier was not impressed
43. Nobody checked out with a positive review
B3 Clock on the Wall 2:06

Closing piano · Swindon car park · analog pads, setting four · after Golden Brown Forever, played straight

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The captions in the video are the lyrics as sung. Art on the sleeve by Grok.
1. The kitchen clock is ticking on the wall
2. Heavy shadows stretch across the empty hall
3. I watch the darkness slowly settling in
4. Wondering where these restless thoughts begin
5. A quiet storm is brewing in my mind
6. Leaving all my yesterday's behind
7. And now I face the music all alone
8. In this house that doesn't feel like home
9. Oh this fire is burning bright
10. Burning through the longest night
11. Yeah we gotta hold on fast
12. Make this fleeting moment last
13. The smoke is rising slowly to the roof
14. Leaving behind a bitter kind of proof
15. That some things in this life you cannot change
16. No matter how you try to rearrange
17. I see the spark reflecting in your eyes
18. Through a veil of beautiful disguise
19. We dance around the edges of the flame
20. Playing this familiar, endless game
21. Yeah this fire is burning on and on
22. Long after the light is gone
23. Oh it keeps on burning still
C1 The Standard Is Set 2:38

Courtroom anthem · KC to the Crown · recorded at The Lion · an original, with a gavel

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The captions in the video are the lyrics as sung. Art on the sleeve by Grok.
1. Stand for the court the king has spoken
2. The rule of law remains unbroken
3. Order in the house of common tongue
4. Listen to the truth that must be sung
5. My name is Clutterworth, KC to the Crown,
6. Baddest barrister in this whole damn town,
7. Got a horse on the rug and a pen in my hand,
8. Defending the language across this land.
9. I shut down "delulu," I banned "bussin" too,
10. "Skibidi" got stamped — that's a head in a loo,
11. Mrs Henderson's armed with a wooden spoon,
12. Touch her jam at the fete and you're leaving at noon.
13. I don't need a focus group or a PR team,
14. Got a valet, a horse, and a Jaffa Cake dream,
15. My pub's called The Lion, the lettering's gold,
16. And the 1989 dictionary never gets old.
17. If you can't say it proper it ain't a real word,
18. Over sixty can't Google it? Then it's absurd,
19. Collins added "rizz" and I nearly went blind,
20. The Brigadier ate the press release — editorially inclined.
21. The syntax is falling we hold the line
22. Each syllable carefully etched in design
23. We banish the slang and we bury the trend
24. Defending the English until the very end
25. The syntax is falling we hold the line
26. Each syllable carefully etched in design
27. We banish the slang and we bury the trend
28. Defending the English until the very end
29. The quill is my dagger my parchment the shield
30. To no foolish internet trend shall I yield
31. They butcher the vowels and they mangle the prose
32. But I will uphold where the true river flows
33. The courtroom is silent the gavel will strike
34. I do not care what your algorithm might like
35. I deal in the facts and the roots of the word
36. Your modern abbreviations are simply absurd
37. So fetch me my tea and my fine china cup
38. I will not be told to just please loosen up
39. The law is a weapon and grammar the steel
40. To any base slang I will never go kneel
41. They text and they type with no thought for the rules
42. Producing a generation of absolute fools
43. But here in this chamber the standard is set
44. A linguistic victory that you won't forget
45. The syntax is falling we hold the line
46. Each syllable carefully etched in design
47. We banish the slang and we bury the trend
48. Defending the English until the very end
49. The syntax is falling we hold the line
50. Each syllable carefully etched in design
51. We banish the slang and we bury the trend
52. Defending the English until the very end
53. The case is closed the standard will remain
54. Let no base slang pollute our fair domain
55. I rest my case the English tongue is free
56. Sincerely yours Lord Clutterworth KC
C2 Rest Your Case, Granddad 2:31

The reply · not authorised by Lion & Letterbox · leaked from the comments · the internet answers C1

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The captions in the video are the lyrics as sung. Art on the sleeve by Grok.
1. Wait who let granddad off the leash
2. Bro brought a quill to a digital feast
3. Check the bio check the clout
4. Clutterworth sit down let me spell it out
5. Yo main character energy stepping on the scene
6. You're still living in a dusty 1989 dream
7. Holding up a dictionary bro that's so mid
8. You're throwing a tantrum like a four year old kid
9. Called me delulu nah look in the mirror
10. The future is now and the picture is clearer
11. You got a horse on a rug that's a massive red flag
12. I got five million followers packing my bag
13. Mrs Henderson's jam yeah it's giving dry yeast
14. Your whole aesthetic is a Victorian deceased
15. I'm cooking in the comments while you're writing on slate
16. Got no motion no aura just a wig out of date
17. Skibidi in the court man you're losing your mind
18. Your legal defense is a century behind
19. Old head yapping crying bout slang
20. He don't get the vibe of the modern day gang
21. You can hand out fines you can strike your little gavel
22. Watch your whole lexicon completely unravel
23. No cap zero rizz Clutterworth's stressed
24. Bro's fighting the internet completely obsessed
25. You talk about grammar like it's national security
26. I'm securing the bag while you question my purity
27. Collins added rizz cause the language evolves
28. That's a simple little equation even gen alpha solves
29. The Brigadier ate the press release feed him some more
30. Cause your whole boomer crew is an absolute bore
31. You want a Jaffa Cake dream here's a reality check
32. Your 1800s flow is a total trainwreck
33. I gatekeep my aesthetic I ratio your page
34. While you're stuck in a courtroom locked in a cage
35. So keep your wooden spoon keep your pub called The Lion
36. The internet's winning there's no use in crying
37. Old head yapping crying bout slang
38. He don't get the vibe of the modern day gang
39. You can hand out fines you can strike your little gavel
40. Watch your whole lexicon completely unravel
41. No cap zero rizz Clutterworth's stressed
42. Bro's fighting the internet completely obsessed
43. Rest your case granddad
44. Left you on read
45. Ratio plus L plus cancel the wig
46. Skrrt

Two more are on the sleeve and not yet on tape: A1 · Three Times a Slice and A3 · Total Eclipse of the Toast (the title track, gated reverb, fire alarm). Their words are in the booklet.