Stockades for improper word usage
Satire. This post is fiction. The people, offices, quotations and legislation in it are invented, and nothing in it is a factual claim about any real person or body. Build UK's sourced material is in the Watchdog and the policy library.
I have spent the week observing the political conferences. I regret to inform you that the English language has sustained casualties.
Good afternoon.
I have spent the week observing the political conferences. I regret to inform you that the English language has sustained casualties.
On Monday, Mr Farage declared he would announce a “National Emergency” on his first day as Prime Minister. On Tuesday, Mrs Badenoch declared a “dangerous world” requiring the immediate reduction of disability benefits.
On Wednesday, Mr Healey discovered a twelve billion pound “black hole” the third such hole in two years, each one apparently unrelated to the previous hole, which was also unrelated to the hole before that.
I have instructed Harrow to check whether the Treasury has a structural engineer. It appears to be entirely composed of holes.
The word “emergency” has been used fourteen times this week by politicians who cannot between them name the price of a pint of milk. The word “crisis” has been deployed nine times by people whose most recent crisis was choosing between the Pret and the Caffè Nero in Portcullis House.
IT IS NOT AN EMERGENCY. IT IS SIMPLY TUESDAY.
A foreign fleet in the Thames is an emergency. A burst dam is an emergency. A volcano were one to appear in Sevenoaks, which I do not rule out given the current state of planning enforcement would be an emergency.
The price of avocados fluctuating by three pence is NOT an emergency. A light dusting of snow in Derbyshire is NOT an emergency. Discovering that the previous government left the accounts in disarray is not an emergency it is a TRADITION.
I have therefore enacted Charter 77: THE PREVENTION OF MINISTERIAL HYSTERIA AND PARLIAMENT SQUARE STOCKS ACT.
The provisions are as follows:
- Banishment of Panic Terminology.
The use of the phrases “National Emergency,” “Existential Threat,” “Unprecedented Crisis,” “Circuit-Breaker,” or “Critical Resilience Protocol” by any Minister of the Crown without physical evidence of a foreign fleet in the Thames is hereby strictly outlawed.
- The Three-Week Stocks Sentence.
Any politician found guilty of unduly frightening the British public to disguise administrative incompetence shall serve twenty-one consecutive days in the wooden stocks erected beside the statue of Winston Churchill in Parliament Square. No umbrella shall be provided. Kentish weather will supply the rest.
- Retrospective Application.
I have asked Harrow to compile the queue:
Miss Reeves fifty billion pound black hole, then twenty-two billion pound black hole, then raised taxes anyway. Nine weeks in the stocks. Three weeks per imaginary hole.
Mr Healey twelve billion pound “headroom” hole. Four weeks. One additional week for calling it “headroom” instead of “another hole.”
Mrs Truss crashed the currency in forty-five days. The stocks are insufficient. She is referred to the Brigadier for hoof-based justice. Sentence: indefinite.
Mr Johnson declared everything an emergency including his own fringe. Permanent installation. Heritage plaque. Tourists encouraged.
Mr Farage “National Emergency on day one” without a published plan, a spreadsheet, or a signed agreement with his own voters. Three weeks.
Plus one additional week for every twenty-two thousand, five hundred pounds earned from the gold dealer while in the stocks. Estimated sentence: seven months.
Mrs Badenoch used the phrase “fully costed” at conference without publishing any costings. Two weeks. One additional week for citing Universal Credit as a success. Three weeks total.
- Public Rights and Provisions.
Passers-by are legally entitled to supply their own over-ripe fruit, soft vegetables, and cold porridge. School groups from Maidstone are particularly welcome.
Throwing stones, modern digital devices, or un-sealed municipal planning applications is strictly prohibited to maintain proper British decorum.
- The Carpenter’s Report.
Harrow has instructed the carpenter in Sevenoaks to select two fine planks of seasoned Kentish oak for the initial installation.
Upon reviewing the retrospective queue, the carpenter has requested additional timber and is now constructing a rotating system with numbered positions and a booking calendar.
He anticipates full occupancy through to the next general election.
Three parish councils in Kent have submitted enquiries about installing their own local stocks for councillors who defect without a by-election. The Brigadier has approved all three. One stamp per parish.
The oak will be sourced, if available, from a woodland in Barming that is about to be quarried by the same county council whose planning portal has a broken security certificate, a cookie consent mechanism that requires tracking to record consent to tracking, and a copyright date from 2024. We may as well use the timber for something constructive before they destroy it.
More tea, Harrow. And prepare the booking calendar. Demand, as always, exceeds supply.
Sir R. Clutterworth KC The Lion & Letterbox
This post was written using AI as a disclosed accessibility tool by a dyslexic author. The ideas, experience, and policy positions are entirely human.